Alternative to psychotherapy: What bothers me about the "classical system"

Today it will be more controversial & critical than usual! 😁

I will tell you about my personal and subjective experiences, which also coincide with those of some of my acquaintances and friends.

So, as always, take what suits you and ignore the rest 😉

But of course, this isn't just about my opinion; I also want to consciously wake you up today: How often do you put yourself in a category that doesn't apply to you at all?

I'm a huge fan of growth, learning from mistakes & personal development (I'm a Developy – like Swifty but the nerdy version! 🤓 Patent pending.).

I have always been fascinated by how people tick.

Why children who grow up in the same family develop so differently.

Which patterns control our lives, consciously or unconsciously, and we are so rarely aware of them that we go through life on autopilot.

It all started with me wanting to understand myself better and make smarter decisions - finally getting out of the victim role and people pleasing!

Studying psychology – at first, that seemed like the obvious choice for my new career. But when I learned that a large part of the program consists of statistics and pathology, I was confused. This was the first time I consciously became bothered by the way people are put into boxes and categories.

Isn't every person 100% individual?

Can't two people who have the same "illness" still need completely different approaches to recover?

And why are medications almost always offered immediately? They only temporarily silence the symptoms and do nothing to treat the underlying cause.

I've been on the other side of the couch myself several times, trying both psychoanalysis and behavioral therapy. And I've personally found that they're not the most sensible options for me; neither of them leads me to my desired goal.

There are undoubtedly many incredibly good therapists out there who do a fantastic job! So I certainly don't want to generalize here.

The right alternative to psychotherapy for me: coaching!

There are a few fundamental factors that bother me about the “classic system” and that I would like to change for my own work:

The topic with the diagnosis

Psychotherapists have studied for many years and should have a great deal of specialist knowledge upon graduation—I will give you that! But to be able to make a diagnosis based on very few, sometimes even just one, conversations, which will subsequently have a significant impact on the client's life, I consider it an almost godlike gift.

Especially since it's important to remember that there's no foundation of trust in these initial sessions. Therefore, we can assume that the client definitely won't tell the (whole) truth, and that the really juicy topics won't come up until much later.

Often, these initial conversations remain quite superficial, and the subconscious—the crux of the matter, so to speak—isn't even included. Thus, they often only address the "presenting problem,"* the tip of the iceberg, and not the actual issue.

Not exactly a solid foundation on which to base the diagnosis, is it?

Most people who seek therapy aren't "extreme cases" like those suffering from schizophrenia, psychosis, or severe depression, where life and limb are at acute risk. Rather, they are people like you and me, who are currently going through a challenging time and are unable to cope with the adjustment to the new situation. Such situations are a part of being human; very few of us make it through life completely unscathed.

I would go out on a limb here and say that most people would want the following for therapy:

Someone impartial, who truly listens to you and acknowledges your feelings non-judgmentally and empathetically. Someone who doesn't push you in a certain direction or pigeonhole you into a pattern, but rather supports you as individuals with appreciation. A place where we can feel safe speaking even the most uncomfortable truths. And, of course, where we can also be given practical strategies for everyday life.

Does all of this sound like a mental illness to you that requires a diagnosis?

Or rather a completely normal human need for support?

I don't fundamentally have anything against diagnoses; they can be useful. But I critically question whether they are really necessary and the right approach.

This creates a massive problem: people tend to identify with their diagnoses and mistakenly recognize them as a permanent, unchanging part of their personality! And they unconsciously align all their actions accordingly.

In other words, a box that strangers put us in (and treat us accordingly) and that we all too often accept without thinking because “the experts must know better”.

I felt the same way a few months ago when I was diagnosed with depression and burnout after a long, difficult period. I was experiencing completely normal feelings of sadness, melancholy, listlessness, and being overwhelmed. But instead of letting them come and go, as feelings should – because they never last – I subconsciously held onto them. Because of my diagnosis.

I AM depressed, so it's impossible for me to feel joy or motivation. I acted like someone who was depressed, constantly bringing myself down. "I'm so exhausted," "Everything is so hard," played on a continuous loop in my head. It's kind of logical that my mood was correspondingly low, right?

With this example, I want to make it very clear: Feelings are NOT a part of your personality! Rather, like your behavior, they are merely a temporary reaction to external circumstances that you can actively control and choose. They are not WHO you are.

But when a diagnosis is made, we identify with it and orient our lives accordingly. We often deny ourselves a way out of the situation.

Do we always have to name everything?

Can't we just accept things as they are? Without any judgment?

The therapist's attitude

Psychotherapists are taught to be distant, impersonal, and professional.

This point is more of a personal preference that everyone has to test for themselves.

The "classic professional" approach doesn't work for me because , in my opinion, trust is a two-way street. I can open up much more easily to someone who also shares their experiences with me.

Someone who has not only memorized their strategies from textbooks but has also applied them themselves seems much more competent to me.

I would much prefer an authentic, honest, and direct therapist who can say, "I understand how you feel. I've experienced XYZ too. It feels like crap, doesn't it?" to "and how do you feel about it?"

I always found it strange to show myself completely vulnerable and emotionally naked to a stranger, about whom I know nothing and who doesn't show any emotions

It gives me much more hope to sit across from someone who has also been in the proverbial trenches and made it out – I want to learn from people like that!

And I have found this approach more often in alternatives to psychotherapy.

What is your opinion on this?

A new dependency relationship, please

Over the course of my life, I've met people who have been seeing a therapist every week for 10 years. Don't get me wrong, fundamental changes don't happen overnight; they're hard work and require a lot of time and patience. Some people need less time, some more, depending on their personality and the complexity of the issue. That's totally fine!

But if someone, after years of therapy, still feels that he/she MUST talk to the therapist every week because coping with everyday life's challenges alone is not possible, then that cannot be considered successful therapy.

This is simply a new, unhealthy dependency relationship that is not only unethical and expensive, but also counterproductive.

Any therapy that is NOT aimed at:

• To develop individual, meaningful and practical strategies for everyday life that the client can use at any time

• Empower the client to take full responsibility for their own life again

• To be able to deal with life's challenges independently in the future and to regulate emotions

In my opinion, this is a complete failure!

Always digging into the past

We can only understand our lives in retrospect. And it's important to examine our own past to understand why we ended up here and to learn from our mistakes.

But I'm not a fan of dwelling on the negative aspects of one's childhood for years. What's past is past; we can't turn back the clock.

The only thing we can still change is how we want to deal with our history today, what we want our lives to look like in the future. What we do with the circumstances we're given. We can only live forward, which is why I find a proactive approach with useful everyday strategies for TODAY much more effective.

Because what good is it to me if I understand my past but can't do anything with that knowledge?

You are NOT your emotions. You are NOT your behavior. You are NOT your past. You are NOT your diagnosis. You are NOT your family, your partner, or your friends. You are NOT your job, your qualifications, or your degree. You are NOT your mistakes. You are NOT your role as a mother, daughter, or friend.

*A presenting problem is often the superficial symptom that brings a person into therapy. However, deeper underlying issues, such as emotional conflicts or past trauma, often reveal themselves over the course of treatment and represent the real problem.

What alternative to psychotherapy would be suitable for you?

What methods have you tried?

If no one has told you today:

You are valuable and you deserve love.

You don't need to be fixed because you're not broken.

You are already HEALED.

I believe in you and I value you just the way you are.

My book recommendation on the topic:

"Maybe you should talk to someone about it" by Lori Gottlieb