How not to die – Why pain is the price of life

My last blog post was a few weeks ago – life got in the way.

To be honest, it took me quite a while to make the decision and then muster the strength and courage to address today's topic.

This text will be different from all the ones I've written before – less pep talk, more access to my soul.

But no less authentic, because life isn't all rainbows and sunshine. Expecting that is simply unrealistic.

Sometimes there are phases that are just shit, where it becomes difficult to find flowery words.

So this time it will be dark, raw, honest and perhaps a little hard to digest in some places.

Today it is about what we all want to avoid and suppress at all costs.

We try to ignore it with the help of cell phones, binge-watching and doomscrolling, as confrontation is usually perceived as very unpleasant.

It's about the topic of pain , which is an inseparable part of life.

There is no love without loss, no getting to know someone without saying goodbye, no success without defeat, no gain without risk.

Everything worth having can also leave us or hurt us.

Unfortunately, there are no guarantees of eternal happiness in life. That's why it's important to appreciate good times and successes and to enjoy the good times we're having.

This topic, relevant to all of us, is rarely discussed in public. On social media, we mostly only see the happy vibes, the grandiose adventures, the seemingly effortless successes.

We've been so conditioned by society to believe that only pleasant feelings have a right to exist, so we're constantly chasing immediate gratification. As soon as we've reached a milestone and checked off a to-do list, we're already looking for the next external validation.

I have a little test for you:

Stare at the wall for half an hour. Completely alone and undisturbed, sitting with yourself. Without doing anything or having a specific goal. Without reaching for your phone or any other distractions.

What's happening inside you? Does your thoughts immediately start racing? Does everything you'd so much like to bury in a box come to the surface? Or are positive feelings of clarity and peace perhaps emerging?

How well can you endure and accept emerging (possibly unpleasant) feelings?

When we finally express how we're really feeling, we're often told to stop acting like that. Because there's always someone "who's worse off than you." This is definitely true, but unfortunately, it doesn't provide any comfort in difficult times. Other people often don't know how to react or help, because they haven't learned how to deal with pain themselves.

I'm writing these lines in the hope that it will encourage you to speak openly about issues that burden you. To show you that pain isn't something we can permanently avoid, but something we have to face HEAD ON and, above all, FEEL if we truly want to heal sustainably. Because everything we don't talk about and process remains permanently in our system. It poisons our soul and impairs our future— this has even been scientifically proven.

It's okay and normal to not be okay for a while. You don't need to justify it. Perhaps I can show you that you are never alone, no matter how hopeless your situation may seem.

I am currently going through one of the toughest phases of my life

Believe me, after everything I've experienced, this statement comes as a big surprise to me.

After a traumatic childhood, I thought I had already left the darkest hours behind me, but I was proven wrong.

So much has happened to me in the last few months that it's enough to cover a lifetime; no area of my life has been spared. Despite being a resilient and strong woman who is no stranger to extreme challenges, I'm currently reaching my absolute limits.

Especially since the last few years have been very turbulent and the batteries are already empty.

Within the last few weeks:

• I received the news that my father is dying of liver cirrhosis. The pain and organ failure have already begun, and it will be a bitter defeat for all of us. His condition is very poor, and we don't know how little time he has left. He is only 68 years old.

• We had to give up our beloved dog – a decision that broke my heart and one I will probably always deeply regret.

• My mother has been diagnosed with severe COPD and heart valve failure (we know where this is headed).

• We lost both our jobs and with them our financial security.

• Several friendships that were very important to me have ended.

In addition to all these issues, I also had my own health problems, a complex bureaucratic move to organize, and the normal responsibilities of everyday life to manage.

I originally had completely different plans for the coming months: finally having time for myself, focusing on my health and my business, and making plans for emigrating. All of that has now slipped somewhat down my priority list.

I'll tell you honestly:

I'm not okay, I've reached rock bottom – mentally, emotionally, energetically.

The topics are so much more than I can handle and process at once.

I'm more exhausted, lost, and overwhelmed than ever before in my life. And because everything is too much, I've become quite emotionally numb.

Getting up and somehow moving on currently requires all the strength and knowledge/techniques I have. There are many days when I wonder if this will break me this time. Whether I can fight my way back up, even though everything inside me is screaming at me to just stay down. With every piece of bad news, it gets more difficult.

I want to share with you what no one knows about me yet, not even my closest confidants. Because it's so taboo and shameful. But it absolutely has to be spoken out, even if it's extremely hard.

A topic for which I would like to use my voice because I am sure that many more people can relate to these thoughts than one would assume.

I've been to this point three times in my life now, where one piece of bad news follows another and the pain seems never-ending. Where all hope for better days has deserted me. Where despair is so deep that there seems to be no end to the tunnel. When nothing makes sense anymore and comforting words barely reach me. I can't really make anyone understand what's going on inside me.

Where dying seemed so much easier than living, and I often thought how peaceful it would be not to wake up again. I practically prayed to God.

Today, for the first time, I admit that I have not only thought about dying several times, but have also googled for a way out.

How not to die – What stopped me?

What's always kept me alive: pure stubbornness and rage. The fact that nothing and no one can break me. And irrational pride: I've survived this far, I can do it again. I'll come out stronger and wiser.

The realization that life is a gift that I don't want to just throw away - not like that!

The vague feeling that something awaits after the pain, that my purpose for being here hasn't yet been fulfilled. The curiosity about what my story still holds for me.

That behind all the shit, all the tears, the loss, the injustice, there's a valuable lesson, more laughter, and more love waiting for me. I can still be happy—not despite, but BECAUSE of my experiences.

Even if I don't have all the answers yet and the road will be long and rocky, that's okay. That's also part of our human experience.

Overcoming pain and healing wounds is a very individual experience. Nevertheless, I'd like to share with you what has helped me in such situations. I hope you'll find something useful in it:

1. Talk about it & get help!

   Whether it's with family, friends, and/or professionals, there's no reason to be ashamed; we all experience phases where we can't move forward without support. I talk a lot with my partner and friends, am currently undergoing trauma coaching, and write down my thoughts and feelings every day.

   
   

2. Let it out!

   Cry, scream, let off steam. Don't suppress your feelings; they'll catch up with you eventually anyway. The longer you bottle everything up, the bigger the explosion will be in the end. It's totally okay if your mood is low for a while.

   
   

3. Do what’s good for you – self-care is key!

   Whether it's relaxation like yoga and meditation, going for a walk, eating to relieve stress, watching Disney movies, reading, etc., be especially selfish and loving to yourself during this time. Don't force yourself to do anything you don't feel like doing or something that will only drain your energy even more.

   
   

4. Give yourself time, healing doesn't happen overnight.

   Toxic positivity or productivity at any cost has no place right now. And it usually doesn't work anyway.

   
   

5. Grieve in your own way.

   Looking at pictures? Sharing memories with others/visiting favorite places? Writing a letter? Going away for a few days? Whatever it takes to help you cope with your situation is the right thing to do.

   
   

6. Focus on beautiful things in the future.

   Make plans, book that trip, keep working on your dream, stay on the course you enjoy so much. Working actively in the morning takes the fear out of today and reminds us that life doesn't end, even if it sometimes feels that way. Every day, I write down at least three things I'm grateful for or little things that made me happy, even if it's difficult some days.

I'd also like to offer you the opportunity to write to me anytime if you're not feeling well. No one should have to go through dark times alone! Shared suffering is half the suffering.

I'm always there for you.

If no one has told you today:

You are valuable and you deserve love.

You don't need to be fixed because you're not broken.

You are already WHOLE.

I believe in you and I appreciate you just the way you are ❤️

If you are concerned about self-harming behavior, you can contact the telephone counseling service at any time at the following number: 0800 1110 111 or 0800 1110 222 (if based in Germany). Please seek support and talk about it!